I wanna bring you to show and tell
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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