Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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