So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
