he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
