Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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