He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
