They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Be still, my beating vagina.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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