sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
