Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You have to summon your inner elephant
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
