my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
