About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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