I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
