Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
