life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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