Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize