Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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