at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
