you're like a bully in the Christmas story
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I AM VODKA MAN
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
