i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
