please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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