FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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