Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
