i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I need water and some morals
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
