Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
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