Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
