Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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