Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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