glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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