Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
