Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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