Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I'm both gender and math confused
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
