I used to have a blog that was basically all about ****** and all of his sexual misadventures
I mean it made tucker max look like a fucking alterboy
But unfortunatley his mom did a google search and found it
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
