can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize