Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Randomize
