Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize