i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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