i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
