remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize