I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
