Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Randomize
