Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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