I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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