I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
