I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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