i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
