I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
