I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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