There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
