Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
