dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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