when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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