How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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