I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
