and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
