chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
