i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize