he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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