I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
