a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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