Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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