I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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