I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize