she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
