Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Randomize
